It was only recently that I came to the conclusion, and much needed realization that wellness does not mean fitness. They do not have the same definition, and they require very different things from your body. I always thought that to be physically fit, meant that you had to be busting your butt and pushing your limits day in and day out. I thought that if you weren’t spending two or more hours at the gym, then the workout wasn’t good enough and it wasn’t worth the time. There was a time in my life where I was giving more time than what I had, and requiring more of my body than what it could give, and in result, it shut down, broke, and I was put on the sideline for a while mentally and physically. According to the World Health Organization, mental health is defined as “a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community”.
There are so many internal and external factors that contribute to someone’s well being, such as personal relationships, work environments, and overall stress levels. According to Penny Phang, a wellness and fitness coach, writer and speaker, wellness speaks about the overall "well-being" of a person from mind, and body to spirit. It wasn’t until I truly rested, that I realized that there is an important balance that I needed to find before I could come back to the sport that I loved so much but had taken so much from me. The following is a short excerpt of my journey to finding that balance of mental, physical, and emotional wellness.
I finished up my collegiate junior year season with a 9th place finish at Nationals, knowing pretty well that it would probably be my last time jumping with an ‘AQ’ written across my chest. This was the third time that I had gotten 9th place at Nationals, three times that I was one place away from being named NAIA All-American. Feeling frustrated and defeated, I left school for the summer and I moved to Cincinnati for an internship, and I stopped working out. I took a break, and I found other things to do. I found wellness in other areas of my life that I had not been feeding whatsoever. I took myself to art museums, operas, bookstores, and coffee shops, and painting classes. I learned so much about myself through all those experiences over the summer. My heart, and mind felt good because I was thoroughly finding enjoyment in the arts, something completely different than the athlete lifestyle that had defined me my whole life. It was so refreshing. I could feel the effects of not exercising daily throughout my mind and body though.
After studying all summer for the GMAT, I was accepted into the Master’s program in Business Analytics at Michigan State for January, 2018. I couldn’t help but feel almost relieved when I made the decision to graduate early from undergrad. No more practices, no more track meets, or early morning workouts. No more dealing with people I didn’t want to deal with, like my ex-boyfriend of two years and his new girlfriend that were on also on the track team (joy!). I was free of the responsibility to be physically and mentally available for hours on end every day. I was convinced that I would come back to working out some day, just not for a while. After a heartfelt conversation over a few beers with my pole vault coach, we both shed some tears and grieved the fact that he would no longer be coaching me. He said that he was proud of me, and I told him that it was an honor to be coached by him. I was ready to move on with my education and my career, and I was thrilled that everything was going to work out for me and that I had great people in my life supporting me while I made that decision.
For the first time since 7th grade, I was not participating in sports. I had all this free time on my hands, so I volunteered at a therapeutic horse barn and I bought a keyboard piano and taught myself how to play a few songs. I was able to paint, and write, and spend time being intentional with my relationships with the important people in my life. I felt rested and refreshed for what seemed like the first time in my life. But then, out of nowhere, an opportunity came up that made me question everything. An opportunity, an opening, a spot on the roster for Michigan State’s Women’s Track and Field team for the spring semester. I felt totally blindsided and caught off guard. The possibility of jumping for their team had been in the back of my head since last year when my old coach said that I would be able to compete with them. But I brushed the thought aside because I wanted to be able to focus on school. Now though, I’ve had a break. I’ve had time to rest, and heal and now I’m being handed a spot to compete at the D1 level in my hometown. It’s something that I cannot dream of giving up. But before I said yes, I had to think about whether or not this is something that I wanted.
The stakes are low, practice times are flexible, I’d be ranked third on their team. But I had to make sure that I was willing and able to give it one more go, that I was able to rekindle the fire inside me that burned so fiercely before. I knew that it was going to be an incredible amount of hard work and determination to get myself back into pole vaulting shape and that scared me half to death. But how could I say no this? I couldn’t, I would not let myself give this up because I feel like I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t give it my best shot. I promised myself that I will find the passion again, and I will work hard everyday so that when I get to MSU in January, I’m ready, to give my everything again.
While running track brought so much pain physically and mentally, I cannot deny that it’s a part of who I am. It’s a major defining factor of my persona and I know that accepting this position doesn’t mean that it always has to be, but it means that for one more semester, it gets to, but the difference now - is that I’m going to let it. I will strive to remember what Penny Phang says in her article, “Differences between Fitness and Wellness”;
“Don't be only concern with fitness. If you want an overall healthy, happy, balanced life, you have to put your attention and appreciation towards all the other components of health in your life. Gift yourself all aspects of what "wellness" has to offer”.
And this time around, I know what other areas of my life I need to feed, and pay attention to. I will learn how to balance my athletic side and my artistic side and I might even try to incorporate the two of them together. Throughout my athletic career and into the break, too often I saw an unhealthy mind and body. Now, however I’ve had the pleasure to experience the joys of both worlds, and so I hope that I will be able to capture them both and use them to excel me forward into a wellness lifestyle. I want to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong, so that I can use it to empower me as a student, daughter, friend, sister, and athlete.
